Haluk, the big big big boss at my work is Turkish. Turkish architects with business licenses seek him out constantly looking for work based upon the fact that he is old and old-fashioned, and will probably hire them based on the fact that they share a nationality.
Yesterday, a Turkish man came in looking to talk to him. He hid in his office and pretended not to be there.
This morning, he came out of his office and asked if 'the mangy Turk' had come back looking for him. I nearly came unglued with laughter. I like it when people make semi-racial slurs about people of their own race.
I'm very sad. It's nearly nine, and nothing's been accomplished.
I hate my job. It's not worth the money to get up early every day, fight commuter traffic, work like a slave archiving and hauling heavy shit, get off, fight traffic on the way home... and then get home just in time to tell people that you're too cranky and don't have enough time to hang with them.
Ten dollars an hour is not worth this. I just need to find a place to curl up in and hide away for a few days. A place where money doesn't exist... at least not in an outright manner.
I still have so much to do... and why? Because of work. The big boss' daughter is there doing the same shit I am doing, only her hours are way better and she looks like a model and doesn't get berated for her hair-colour every five seconds. Since she's there, why do I need to be there? Seriously. I'm tempted to call them and tell them to suck it. They called me, they sought me out, and yet daughter-model-girl is doing all of the easy sitting-on-your-ass computer stuff that is my job. Fuck them. Let her break her nails and get papercuts, not me.
My hair looks like crap and it's falling out. A boy with black hair and blue eyes and really white teeth hit on me at lunch today. Normally, this would make me feel happy and slightly attractive.
Today I just wanted to run away.
[Lately... you'd think I was one of those happy people to whom sadness was foreign. I'm speaking broken English. It's a family thing.]
I just feel ugly and handicapped and imperfect and broken. It's because spring is coming and I haven't properly seen a sunset in ages. I feel too tired to sleep. I feel like crying.
I want something I can't have as does everyone at some point. But I just feel like a spoiled bitch admitting it.
The only cool thing about today was that I said something really funny involving the word 'penis' earlier, and now I forgot what it was. It was good though. I remember that 'penis' was involved, because that's not really one of your every day words.
Oh well. Penis penis.
... nevermind. It's not the same.