alecto - your little bluejay (pollytrance) wrote,
alecto - your little bluejay
pollytrance

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Ash, Blood, Bone, Love... Twisted.

I've decided that I don't like it when my part is straight. I like it when it is messy and Shirley Manson style.

Today was odd. I woke up a bunch of different times but wasn't actually inclined to get out of bed until 4 in the afternoon, at which time I checked my messages and called Travis. He asked me where I was last night and then I told him the truth, no hitches. Yay me.

A fight thereafter ensued.

He hates Stefan. He hates him and is jealous to the maximum. So anyway, we were fighting, and I proved my point, and the argument got so heated and I was humiliating him in such a way that he exclaimed, "Fine, you're right, you win, ok? You're right, that's all, let's not talk about this anymore." Boys and their pig-headed pride.

Then I got up and said, "Shit." It was almost time for me to go to group. I got ready and I did toy-style make-up, which I have been playing with. I am dying for a webcam for when I do weird stuff like that. Everyone can see how anything can be a canvas.

So I went to group and had a quite enjoyable session. I think Rebecca thinks I am a lesbian now though. Since when do you have to be gay to go rainbow-happy? Was Rainbow Brite gay?

(Oh yeah, I finished Bridget Jones' Diary and now I am reading a book called "4 Blondes" and it is by the same girl who wrote Sex and the City, Candace Bushnell)

So anyway, after group me and mum went to Chinese food, where the manager there was very happy to see us back. We haven't been there for a few weeks and he's used to seeing us at 7.45 every Wednesday night. It was good. I got what I usually get: Won Ton Soup and Fried Rice.

Then I had my mum drop me off at Travis' house, because I was planning on giving him a piece of my mind. He greeted me like nothing was wrong and a shower of "I'm sorry's". The universe has somehow sensed that my existence is miserable and made it so that my life is going well at this point.

He then gave me a hug and played a song for me that made me cry. When he wrote me those poems a long time ago that made me cry too. He is there, he continues to be there. I wish it was just as easy as telling him I didn't want to be with him anymore, but I can't do that. I would have to do it in person (over the phone or in e-mails seems so unfair, because when you are there, you can't just hang up or sign off, you have to deal with it, it is the brave and noble thing to do), and I don't know if I could handle it. I think it would come down to two outcomes: One) He's fine with it and says he's been waiting a long time to be single again, or Two) He makes a big deal of it and charms me into changing my mind. Either would be unbearable, but they say life is change, and since he is moving anyway... I don't know.

I am so happy when things are good but so miserable and hate him so much when things are bad. I never know if we're together from one day to the next, we've broken up more times than a) I can count and b) I'd like to admit. Argh. Just like a pirate. Show me some booty.

And just a few minutes ago he called to tell me that Alessandro Nivola was on Conan O'Brien because he knows I like Alessandro, (weirdly enough, as he pointed out on the show, only as Pollox Troy... I guess that makes me a weirdo). He does all these good things and all these bad things and I am just too lazy or maybe too scared of the truth to weigh them out on a scale.

Anyway, enough of my pathetic boy troubles. All I know is that there is some higher force at work who is either tempting me with a little bit of good luck and then planning to run off just when I hit quicksand, or, my time has finally come for happiness.

Both are equally frightening as I doubt the stability of everything. I want to be happy but I am scared to embrace happiness as it may leave me at anytime, just like a person could do. I still need to clean my rheum. Dr. O. is impressed with my progress. It only took, what, four years?

I'm surprised it wasn't five... five is my lucky number.

Oh shit. It has taken five. My life path has been decided. My aunt was right. I am definitely a five (she does numerology). And now I am up for some reading and the consumption of some chilled zesty pickles.

What a day, what a day, don't give up on me fate, hey hey hey.

I am torn between plans Friday.

Come what may.

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