"I've forgotten how to write
And I've given up on speech
I can't remember how I look
Or the day of the week
Your love is a distant memory
Along with most of my sanity
Let me go for my sanity
Put me out of my misery
I'd get on my knees but I'm not allowed
Even though I've forgotten how"
*This is a quote from a Curve song that totally describes my mental state of mind right now. It's called "Forgotten Sanity" and everyone should just download because it's good, and when you feel bad it will make you feel better*
So yeah. Now it's Thursday and I still haven't covered my weekend. So I will now. Lindsay was trying to torture me into updating whilst we were in Grass Valley as to encompass the details, but they didn't have the client and really that's not my style.
So here we go:
I rise early (7 am goddamn, girl) and prepare to go to Grass Valley by packing everything I need and or think I need and then I am completely ready by ten and Lindsay calls and says she will be late. So I made a new screen name (DogpileSuckaJ) and tortured Keef with it for about a half-hour until Lindsay came and picked me up. On the drive down there we listened to a CD that I mixed for her called Dogpile with wonderful girly music on it. Then we stopped at the Fairfield Mall to look for sunglasses because my blue eyes were under siege and this lady that works at Hot Topic shoved an application at me and told me that she needed people who could start working next week and then I told her I couldn't give the application back right away, so she skipped over the application and gave me the number for the phone interview. I was very stoked. I was like, "Hooray, I am getting a job." So I was excited the whole rest of the two-hour drive and when we got to Grass Valley I called in and took the phone interview and then Lindsay and I rested for about two hours, ate a Melissa-prepared dinner (her cooking is beyond mediocre it's like eating foam... then there was the chicken, I will tell you about the chicken* later) and then we went to this Family Fun Center that was kinda like Scandia and did race-car stuff because we were still all hyped from our outrageous exposure to the Fast and the Furious. Then we went home and baked some cookies and made all sorts of noise and then went to bed.
We got up early and got ready and travelled to the Grass Valley Fair. 'Twas a nice day. I located some fab purple sunglasses (thank the lord) and then we went on to ride the Ferris wheel and take photo booth pictures. They turned out all right. I look like a fat pale ugly whore as always but Lindsay looks good so she is turning on of them into an LJ user pic when she can get her online working again. Then we went back home and rested and filmed some footage for our home-grown movies and raked up nails with a magnetic rake which we later stuck to the side of a dumpster just because it was magnetic. And then I dumped some Citra over the side of a railing just because it was fun to watch it splatter on the ground... and then Melissa (hosewoman) came home and yelled at me and talked down to me and made me sweep and mop and want to die. Fuck public humiliation. I'm not her fucking step-kid, I'm her guest and if she wants me to do her bidding then she better fucking pay me, the control-freak sadist bitch. (I don't really like Melissa). So then later on, we went out to this restaurant called "Maria's" which was some really good Mexican food and we got to get away from Melissa and have a nice dinner. After that we came home and filmed some more and then went to bed.
We woke up at 7 am to the sounds of construction workers banging the fuck out of the walls because they are remodeling downstairs. But it was okay because they turned out to be really cute. So Lindsay and I used the deserted house to get ready and then we went downtown to get her mom's car fixed. (Shoddy brakes). So we had time to wander around downtown and we got lunch and ran into Paul DeMers and bought candy and other bad teeth stuff and I bought some Jackie O. sunglasses. After that we came home and filmed more and got ready and slept and watched cartoons and then we went to see Planet of the Apes ("Oh my god, he kissed a monkey" was what Lindsay and I yelled out in the theatre and we got a big laugh). It was ok, but honestly more was to be expected from Tim Burton, know what I'm sayin'? So then we went to Safeway and bought soup and then went home and ate it and watched Forrest Gump and went to bed.
We got up early and I was itching to get out of that place and so I packed up all my shit and put it in the car while Lindsay got ready and everything and even though I was up at 7.30 we didn't get out of there till ten because of the many drawbacks. (Lindsay had to pack and get ready and smoke and all that stuff.) So then we wrote this fucked-up thank-you note and then we went and said bye to her dad and then we got out of that goddamn Ass Valley. It was too hot to bear, and I was cranky and in pain because my wisdom tooth is coming in and I just want to rip off my jaw. So then we get home and I was irritable as fuck and on the verge of tears and my mouth felt like a bunch of midgets with power tools were assaulting my gums so I ended up being an ass and yelling at my family and making them all feel like shit and then I went and slept for a few hours. When I woke up, my head was throbbing and I couldn't even open my mouth or swallow the pain was so bad, and my ears were ringing. I came outside, growled for Ibuprofen and then retreated back to my crypt. Then Travis called and I got in a fight with him about how if we're supposed to be friends how come I never wanna hang out with him and blah blah it bugs him that's he hasn't been the center of my universe for two years. FUCK YOU. I am so sick of everything right now, I am getting manic like a sucker again. GRRR. So then Stefan contacted me online-style and said he wanted to hang but he had to do responsible stuff first.
So he gets done doing his "responsible stuff" it's ten and I can't leave the house and he says sorry it took so long and I wanted to get mad, but I can't blame him for not trying to fail college and putting me off. I was just upset and needed some positive attention because I was getting it from nowhere and my own negativity mixed with the negativity around me was overwhelming. So he calls me at ten and we end up talking until 2.30 in the morning which was interesting I didn't think normal boys could do that. But he actually has a mind. *Sits back and ponders* Huh. Wonders never cease. At least he was nice enough to spend my wasted night on the phone with me.
I get up around 12.00 and watch "IT" and decide against bleaching my hair which means if I fuck it up tomorrow I am screwed because my senior portraits are Friday and I look so ugly and stupid and fat and unbalanced and bad-postured and small headed and I hate myself but I don't care I am too lazy to bleach my hair right now. Why do I just want to cry? Crawl into a hole and die? Fucking mood disorders. Buttercup, BITCH. FUCK YOU BITCH. So then I have dinner and watch part of Save The Last Dance which is even more depressing and then I get ready and go to Travis' because I was trying to make him feel better about Monday when he said he felt bad and then we just ended up fighting and I ended up crying and the downward spiral continued and I wondered why I didn't just blow him off like always it would have saved me some time and grief.
I get home to find that Lindsay and Stefan want to hang out so I call them and we hang out and I show them the unseen Zim and the routine is pretty stale. There's really nothing to do anymore, and then Lindsay has to go home at 12.00 so I stayed at Stefan's until 1.30 and spent a lot of time thinking about various depressing things... and then when it was time for him to drive me home...
I went manic and started laughing uncontrollably and I wouldn't let go of the gear shift and I kept yelling "STOP", "GO" and he was getting really confused and I think maybe scared because he's never been around me when I was like that before. I wonder what would happen if one of these days he was around when I cry for no reason. Anyway, I made him put on some sunglasses and drive me around and I kept telling him, "NEED FOR SPEED" and spraying this blue sour stuff in his mouth and I just went crazy and he thought I was trying to "Get his goat" but I was doing nothing of the sort I was just wired from being sick and tired and maybe all the Ibuprofen I've been pumping into my system had something to do with it--whatever. I was a total ass and now I know fo sho that no one will ever be my friend for very long because if I can't handle being around me, how can they. Fuck chaos.
And now it's Thursday and supposedly we are all going to see The Fast and the Furious later (if it's still playing) but I don't even know if I wanna go. And now I find that I have run out of "exciting" or "relevant" things to say so I will go before I bore anyone any further.
*Chicken... "I cut into my chicken and it was still a little pink inside, like a baby. I started thinking about what it would be like to eat a baby and then I vomited into my napkin." That's why I don't like chicken. Sucka.
I have learned this to my cost.
I have learned this for myself.