I feel as though I am betraying some part of myself that said I could be honest with anyone... and yet I am hiding shit.
Because I am SCARED.
Let me tell you what I have been leaving out of the posts. Not like anyone will care but I have to be open about it. For me. First step of all is admitting things to oneself.
This Stefan character that I always write about and have been spending so much time with lately.
I LOVE HIM. Like it's not obvious, but I really and truly LOVE HIM. I love spending time with him, he makes me laugh... he makes me feel like I am alive for a reason... because I can actually be a good time.
I try not to talk about him all the time, but he's in my head constantly. In my dreams. Everywhere. I had a little crush on him in grade 9... and ever since then... we hang out in the summer, and during the school year we forget about each other... and then when summer comes again we hang out again. School is fast approaching. I don't know if I can handle it.
Now I am a senior... my feelings have not faded, but grown steadily stronger. Travis broke up with me because he was jealous of him. Well, he will never know this... but he had a reason to be.
We watch cartoons together. He is crazy like me. I am glad we have spent the past four days together.
I just want to know how he feels. One of my LJ friends just went through something similar... it started as a subtle attraction and grew weird and twisted.
I just want things to be good. I don't care if I have to remain his friend forever... I just love being in his proximity.
Everything. So much fun. So many little details I am too afraid to talk about... especially on here. HE HAS THE ADDRESS. IT IS NO LONGER SAFE.
I am making way too much drama out of this.
How about this. Travis thinks me and him are still together. He calls me because he complains that we don't have a healthy relationship... because I never say I love him... because he thinks we should break up. How can I tell him... that we aren't together?
He would kill me if he knew I went to the movies alone with Stefan. He hates it when I go to his house. He hates anything having to do with him.
Too bad. Stefan doesn't make me cry. He doesn't hit me. He doesn't constantly tell me I am a failure. I don't dread seeing him because I know there is a fight waiting.
He is everything that Travis used to be that I loved that is now gone and lots more. I don't love Travis. He just makes me feel guilty. He calls me and tells me he loves me all the time. This makes me sad... and I cry because I don't want to make Travis feel any worse than he says I do. And then... he thinks I am crying because I am sad about the situation of the "us" that does not exist.
Then he says, "Don't cry sweetie. I'm sorry. I love you." And I cry harder. And he thinks it's for some other reason.
Then after he gets everything resolved... all the crying stops because I become distracted with something else... he says, "Let's hang out."
Then we hang out and have sex and he acts like it means something... but it doesn't.
And then later... he will go, " I can't see you. We can't hang out ever again."
And then he calls and says he misses me and we hang out.
And it goes and goes like this... and I don't care that I haven't seen him since Wednesday. I don't care that he is suicidal. If he killed himself it would just make my life easier.
I all truth.. I think I HATE him. But I constantly subject myself to him.
He has taught me what guilt is. He has taught me to lie all the time to spare peoples' feelings (especially his).
He has made me not me.
But I am already in love with someone else. Who calls me. Who doesn't play fucked up mind games. Who is my friend.
FUCK YOU TRAVIS, ONE DAY YOU WILL BE IN ARIZONA AWAY FROM ME. I WILL BE HAPPY. ONE DAY I WILL HAVE THE STRENGTH TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH. ONE DAY I CAN LEAVE YOU FOR REAL AND NOT FEEL BAD WHEN I MAKE YOU CRY.
Until then... I can watch cartoons with a boy I really love and forget that you are there for a few hours.
I will never make the mistakes I made with you. I will never be the girl you've made me be with anyone else. I will never have sex just to pass the time. I will never apologise for being right not to bruise an over-nurtured male ego. I HATE YOU.
But if I didn't love you just a little bit... I wouldn't care like this.
And that is your trap.
I HATE YOU
I'm sorry for the emotional outburst. Certain things just must be said.