alecto - your little bluejay (pollytrance) wrote,
alecto - your little bluejay
pollytrance

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Breathe Deeply, Caress Me With Your Breath.

The past two days have been trying at the least. Emotionally draining and such.

The girl with the boy trauma has left me alone for now. I feel like the biggest hypocrite ever for bitching about her talking about him all the time, but what can you do when someone has touched on your breaking point and you've collapsed like the bridge that you were supposed to build in physics but only spent one lousy night on?

She's been talking about him for like a year and a half like this, though. She never says to me, "Hi, Katie. How are you? I'm good. I'm glad to see you've been going to skool."

No. It's always like, "-name of boy- ate with a spoon at lunch. I think he did it because we're fighting."

It makes me feel bad. First of all, I feel like she's just using me for what I know about him, which isn't much... but she thinks it is because I used to like him when I was a freshman. Secondly, me always telling her that she's right and that he will come around eventually makes me feel like a disgusting individual, because I know it's a lie. He's an arrogant Scorpio track star. Of course he won't come around.

-sigh-

So Friday night, Lindsay and Stefan came to pick me up and I made them late for Zim, which was new, and which we weren't able to tape, because of ME. (-10)

After Zim was over, Nathan's room gave me the creeps because it was giving me fat deja vu, so I went outside and sat by myself, thus becoming the party pooper. (-10)

Stefan came outside to see how I was doing, and told me he wouldn't leave me all by myself outside, asked me what was wrong, laughed at my stupid jokes. (+10)

I told him stupid jokes. (-10)

Everyone else came outside and we all walked to the dock holding candles, and there was a general feeling of warmth and togetherness. (+10)

We get to the docks and Aaron says there is a dead body in the shed, so I run up the stairs and sit on them, in order to make a fast getaway. Once again, I separate myself from the group, become the chicken and the party pooper. (-20)

Stefan comes up the stairs to ask me why I am not down with everyone else. (+10)

He leaves after he finds out I am just scared of the body. (-10)

Lindsay comes up the stairs to check on me with Stefan right behind her and then we all go back up to Nathan's, Erin in a shopping cart, my arms linked with Lindsay and Stefan. (+10)

We get to Nathan's and Lindsay and I go into the bathroom to talk about girl secrets, and she tells me she asked Stefan what is up between me and him, and he said, "I really like her but nothing has happened so far." (+20)

I then start over-analyzing what happened and I don't think that he means he really likes me in the more-than-friends way. In fact, it's an impossibility. (-10)

I go into Nathan's room and we all bask in the dark listening to the Who, and shooting rubber bands and little suction cup arrows at one another, and Stefan makes a conscious effort to come sit by me (+10)

Aaron throws a slobbery dog toy at my head (-10)

Lindsay and I go into Nathan's mom's chill room and have a wonderful soul-searching, but conversation about all things now, and all things past. (+10)

I then get depressed because the ghosts of my past are haunting me, and if Stefan really does like me, why am I not good enough for him to try for? (-10)

We drive Lindsay home and Stefan drives over her lawn, Lindsay comes flying out of the house screaming and there is uproarious laughter in the car. (+10)

We go back to Stefan's house and I cry, so he puts on Adult Swim to try and make me happy. He says I need a hug, so he gives me this nice hug which turns into him just holding me. He sits next to me, holds my hand and rests his head on my shoulder. (+20)

I get even more depressed because I really from the depths of my soul have no idea what is going on with him, let alone he and I as a pair. (-10)

He takes me home and I get a hug (+10)

I get inside and am too tired to post or look at my friends page (-10)

I fall asleep around 3.30 am watching the Full Monty and wake up at 11.30, exactly eight hours later. I feel refreshed and am up early for a weekend. I promise myself today will be the day I clean my room. (+10)

I turn on the TV and there is no Zim on Saturdays anymore (-10)

I call Lindsay but she is busy (-10)

Lindsay calls me back and I am on the toilet. It is funny. It is like eighth grade. (+10)

Stefan calls through and says Molly wants to hang out and says she has a present for me. (GRR! I would hang out with Molly even if there were no present involved. Does he think he has to bribe me? Besides, he told me about the present DAYS ago) I break my promise to myself and agree to hang out with him, and I will see him in an hour. (+10 for the phone call, -10 for everything else.) (0)

I spend the whole hour of my time for getting ready on the phone with Lindsay, who is pissed at Stefan for driving over her lawn. (-10)

He shows up and I am still getting ready, even though he's 15 minutes late (-10)

We drop the Zim tape off at Lindsay's so she can show Robert, and we pick up Molly (+10)

When we get to Molly's house, after everyone introduced themselves, this guy rolled a fat joint and everyone except me and Molly smoked it. (-20)

Stefan was going to drive us to Mount Diablo, but since he was stoned, we got lost twice and I got car-sick. (-20)

The view from the top of Mt. Diablo was gorgeous and Molly got some cool pictures. (+10)

Lindsay paged twice and I didn't call her back (-10)

We drove to her house and I made sick cat noises outside her window to get her attention, instead of simply calling her pages back. (+20)

After the evening's plans were smoothed out, Lindsay dropped me off at Stefan's house (+10)

His brother answered the door and I felt guilty because back when I was a freshman his brother liked me and I had his best friend Alex tell him that I liked someone else-- Alex. And his friend who knew about this whole scandal was over. They both saw me. Then his mom came. She doesn't like me because I am a minor. (-20)

Molly, Stefan and I decided to go get dinner (+10)

I didn't have any money (-10)

Stefan paid for me. (+10)

I don't like mooching. (-10)

We ate dinner and then Molly got sick (-10)

We came to my house to get movies and I coated Stefan in glitter because it was funny. (+10)

He hates glitter (-10)

I gave Molly some pills and relieved her of her pain (+10)

We went back to Stefan's house and I put glitter all over his bed and then laughed. (+10)

I smacked myself in the face with his fist just to see how he would react and his jaw dropped to the floor. He could barely choke out the words, "Hey, don't do that, it's not nice." and I was shaking with laughter. (+10)

Molly came out of the bathroom and we all watched Willow. (+10)

Stefan fell asleep in the middle of it, so Molly and I dribbled water on him and stuck things up his nose. -Molly is a genius, she turns 24 in a week- (+10)

He squirmed and made weird noises but didn't wake up (+10)

Molly went to the bathroom and Stefan finally woke up for real (+10)

Molly came back, we finished Willow, and it was two am. My curfew is two am. (-10)

Molly rolled over and went to sleep until Stefan had some coffee and was ready to go. He didn't ask me to stay over. He said he had to take Molly home anyway, so I may as well just go home before I get in too much trouble (-10)

The drive home was so disappointing I couldn't even look at him. He spoke to me and I grunted a response at him. I stared out the window and listened to the tape. (-10)

He gave me a hug before I got out of the car (+10)

I remembered to get the collage Molly made for me out of the trunk (+10)

My mom is awake, she opens the door and bitches at me about being forty minutes late and all the other countless mistakes I'd made that night, even though I didn't know I had made them (-20)

I get to post (+10)

Zim is supposed to be on tomorrow (+10)

I am hungry (-10)

It can be easily dealt with (+10)

So, who's to know what will become of Stefan and myself. Right now I think I hate him. But I am probably tired and cranky. Tomorrow will tell all. I'm not sure whether or not he will call me.

I get to see Tiz Hiz on Monday. That makes me happy. Katie's birthday is also Monday, I need to get her a card and such. I am also going to buy some chocolate cake because I have been craving it like a motherfucker.

My pants won't stay up on their own at all. I am losing weight. I love this new medication.

So.

--320 negative points--
--340 positive points--

Overall, I should feel good about this weekend. But I don't. I am depressed. I keep seeing Cabrios everywhere and they remind me of Travis. He is gone forever. He moved to Arizona on the 26th. I hate him, but he would always hold me when I felt bad. He would listen... and he would get fed up with listening...

I think I just want to love and be loved in return.

It's not happening.

I am lonely.

Lindsay has a boy who is totally ga-ga over her and she is lucky. They get to hug and be close. They get to spend tonight in an apartment all by themselves.

I am a cunt. I am stupid and fat and ugly and horrible.

The Katie song came on in the car today. I fast-forwarded it because it made me feel very self-absorbed. He asked me if it was the Katie song. I said yes. He said that song was tight.

If only someone would sing it to me and mean it.

"Katie you're all that I need.
I'm just as ord'nary as you.
Katie you're all that I need.
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh."

If only.

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