alecto - your little bluejay (pollytrance) wrote,
alecto - your little bluejay
pollytrance

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Mmm, Canned Botulism...

I really miss Mya and Mike and the summers we used to spend together. I really miss my friends. They, and I, aren't who we used to be.

One of these days, my room will be clean and I will be able to relax. My spine will straighten itself out and I will drink more water.

So I spent the weekend in LA. Stefan and I took turns driving down there, and we left around ten thirty at night and ended up down there at like four am or something around there.

I came into Craig's apartment, which was a lot nicer inside than it was outside. There were a bunch of people sitting around the kitchen table and a few on the couches, and the room was hazy with smoke and there was a lamp lit and the kitchen light was on. I set down my stuff and looked over to the couch, where I saw Janette sitting and went over to say hi. This girl looked at me and said, "You must be Katie."

It is scary how everyone seems to know who I am.

Craig quickly countered this saying, "Her name isn't Katie, it's Stardust." He's weird about people calling me Katie because now he has this girlfriend from San Diego named Katie and it freaks him out. And everyone kept saying how common of a name Katie was. And it made me sad, because that is me, common and ordinary and uninteresting.

But anyway, the girl who knew me was named Noelle, and she was a friend of Janette's. This weekend I also met Janette's twin sister, Jackie, who is also fascinated with the Harry Potter movie and half of its good looking cast. Then I met this guy named Chris who is apparently from Tracy and who compared me to Dawn. I don't think I will be able to attend any event with these people without being compared to Dawn, who is allegedly horrible and evil and who I am like... what does that say? -SIGH-

Anyway, aside from my radiating evil, they were all nice to me again, and being there was sort of awkward at first. All I wanted to do was blend into the corners and watch them for a while. I always want to blend in, and I always want to be noticed. There is something very wrong with me.

Mat told me that he couldn't figure me out because there were many contradictions in my personality and this is true. He said it's kind of aggravating that he hasn't been able to figure me out yet, but it's also satisfying that I am not easy to read. I wonder if he ever wonders if even I know who I really am, or if I have myself figured out. Because I don't. And that is weird for me. Because you'd think in order to control something you'd have to understand it.

And that makes me wonder... can I actually control myself, or do things just turn out the way they have forever in some kind of accident.

I was having this conversation with a close friend. I believe that I was a mistake, and that I was not meant to be here. She said that I did belong here, and that she'd be sad if I was gone.

I asked her what that made me.

She said, "A wonderful mistake."

Bah. I wish I could turn my mind off. I hate thinking about myself so much. But it seems like there is so much to wonder about.

We went to the grand opening of Amoeba Records on Sunset Boulevard and met this guy who looked like an older version of Daniel Radcliffe, and we ran after him, and stopped him, and then asked him if he was Daniel Radcliffe. He said no. With a British accent.

He was from England!! And his name was Bryan. And Jackie wanted to eat him with a spoon. By far one of the coolest events of the day.

I bought a black beanie. I haven't had one of those since middle school when I was Billy Corgan for Halloween. I can't believe no one knew who Billy Corgan was.

I wore the beanie over a green wig with big huge sunglasses and I felt nice. I felt like I could walk down the street and not want to have a paper bag over my head.

But when I took the wig and the glasses off, I was my same old ugly self.

I remember when I used to say, "why" instead of "how come".

I hate change. I wish it didn't exist. Not the bad kind anyway.

We left LA on Sunday at 12 pm and got home at six pm. I tried to watch Adult Swim, but I fell asleep. And now I need to finish doing my independent study homework, because it is due tomorrow. I wish I had the motivation, the REAL motivation, to complete all of my independent study work so that I could graduate early.

But I don't.

Off to my room I go.

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