alecto - your little bluejay (pollytrance) wrote,
alecto - your little bluejay

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Don't Like Your Smile, Don't Like Your Face...

Things have been a bit odd around here lately. J called me the other night while Stefan was over and we were watching the Fast and the Furious. That put me in a very weird place because I told Stefan all about what happened, and he hasn't really said how he feels about it. Maybe that's just because he doesn't care... whatever.

My brother has typical dysfunctional-looking boy handwriting, but his letters are small and precise. It looks like they were printed by a computer. We are the antithesis of each other. He hates reading and writing, and I love it. I abhor math, and am bad at it, he understands it, likes it, and is good at it. He's got dark hair and skin, I've got light hair and skin. He's wiry, I'm not. He gets down to gangsta rap, I love Rasputina. He's got ambitions but doesn't care about material things, I have no ambitions but I still want everything the world has to offer.

We took him out with us to see Harry Potter and to dinner one night because he said he wouldn't bother us... the next day I found him bragging to his friends about how late he got to stay out with his sister and her friends. Mya says he thinks the world of me. I am starting to feel bad for all the terrible shit I've done to him.

I hate junk mail.

I need a job. The damn hiring manager from the Wherehouse hasn't called me yet. I don't know if that guy was telling me that so I'd go back down there, or so I'd know they would call, or as a ploy to get me to leave the store... one thing that's bad is that I forgot to put my driver's license information on my application because I rushed out of the house so fast.

But I can correct that later. I just wish they would call me, because I NEED a job. I feel like Ruby did in Summer of Sam. "Hey, does she need any shampoo girls? (What do you think?) I NEED a job." Then she borrows money from Richie so that she can look like a punk. I hate borrowing money or having boyfriends pay for stuff.

The last boyfriend I had that did that, would act like all the stuff he bought for me made him happy that he was able to give me gifts (I'm talking about Travis, by the way). But then later, he'd fly into a rage and say, "All I am to you is a piggy bank with wheels." The wheels part was because he always had to drive to see me because I didn't yet have my license. Sometimes he'd stoop so low as to say, "Not only that, but you treat me like a piece of meat." with the implications that I only used him for sex. That is very wrong. Number one: I hated being naked around him and he could rarely turn me on. I always used to have to think about Chad Lindberg or something. Number two: I'm not the one who would get a boner from just kissing and then get all mad and pouty when nothing happened after that. Number three: I understood the concept of sitting at close-range watching movies together, but not doing anything sexual, he didn't. Number four: He was diabetic, so anytime his blood sugar got really high or low, he would go limp, and then he'd blame it on me, saying, "This is always so much work." Well, ass, I didn't pull myself into the bedroom, nor did I undress myself. Number five: If HE was the piece of meat in this scenario, how come I always had to act like a rag-doll and let him do whatever he needed to do to my body to get off, and then if I didn't do that, get a lecture on how unfair it was that HE was the one who had to wear a condom.

I cannot believe I went back to him after the whole Colin incident. He was such an ASS HOLE. But he knew all the right words to say to convince me that things would be different. Guys like him are the reason that I don't tell boys when I like them. Guys like him are why it took five months of silent obsession in order to get Stefan to look my way. I would have died before I told Stefan how I felt. Because I didn't want another relationship for a long while after my horrendous final break-up with the asshole in August.

But here I am in another relationship... have been for a month. Things are going fine now, but I am afraid that they will start to sour horribly. Everything that J has said scares me... I think he knows I am not ready. But how can one ever be ready?

I was so relieved when it was finally over in August because it meant I would be single my senior year.

But here I am a senior and I am not single. It's not a problem, because the boys at my school are pretty much caca. I just wonder why I always break the promises I make to myself. Because Stefan is good to me and he's important. He's laid-back and he's a gentleman.

Even so, I can't help but feel that something's amiss.

WHY hasn't the Wherehouse called me YET??

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