I got hit on at Chevron tonight by the clerk. It was some crazy shit. When I got in my car I realised why. My hair was all messy and my make-up looked kind of like a prostitute.
I think guys secretly have a thing for fucked-up girls because it seems that I only get attention from them when I look hideous.
I have a pounding headache and a lot of the joints in my body need to be cracked. I keep forgetting what I want to talk about. It's weird... I think all the meds I've exposed myself to over like the past year are finally leaving my system and I am going back to my old self.
I know something is happening because I started cutting again tonight. Big fucking deal. I remember when it was really bad before I started taking meds and my arms were in a permanent state of healing.. I thought going for a month without doing it was a big deal. Then it seems it was like an accomplishment. I hadn't done it for four or five months and for some reason that seems like such a short time to me. I think I'm just being pessimistic. Maybe.
I went to visit Lindsay tonight and dropped off her boots. It was weird. It felt like I was talking to a stranger because we haven't talked in so long. I sort of feel like I am a different person or something.
I went to Raley's and bought razorblades, and when I went over to Stefan's at around ten-thirty, one of his brother's friends was like, "Hey I just saw you at Raley's." That was weird. If he only knew... heh heh he probably would have backed away from me in fear and never said hi. Maybe not. I guess it's become a lot more socially acceptable to do those sorts of things. I mean... people getting god knows what pierced.
We live in an age of self-mutilation.
My head hurts, I missed Space Ghost, and I have this music question that has been bothering the fuck out of me:
If anyone has/has seen "She's Having A Baby" (yes, the Kevin Bacon movie), can they look on the credits and tell me who sings that song/ what its title is... the song where he's walking around in that office building and he stumbles upon that dressing room full of women... and the song that's playing is like a British woman rapping, and right before every chorus, it says, "Your mind says 'yo'". That's been driving me crazy.
Stefan only reads my journal
a) when we get in a fight
b) if he thinks I'm never gonna talk to him again.
Something inside tells me to start locking entries again.