At midnight, Jessica and Miles had to go home, so we went back to Stefan's and I don't remember but I think I fell asleep. I've been very tired lately. I drove home at one thirty.
My answering machine is me singing, "Gee Baby Ain't I Good To You." It makes me laugh. It makes other peoples' ears bleed.
Saturday night I went with Lindsay to Sacramento to this guy's party, who was a friend of Brandon's (see: 10/6/01). It turned out to be extremely ghetto and I drank one bottle of Smirnoff Ice and found myself all fluttery. My tolerance is like zero, once again. Last time I drank was... maybe November or something. Lindsay and Bobby ended up wanting to leave after like only an hour or maybe less... anyway that was fine by me because Brandon kept trying to make conversation and I wanted no part of that.
And I also found that I wanted no part of going back to Bobby's apartment with him and Lindsay and watching them cuddle while I sat by myself. True, I don't have a boyfriend by choice but it doesn't mean I enjoy feeling lonely.
So I called Stefan and asked him to come.
"It's so far... I'm so tired.. I don't have gas... I don't have money... I'm not ready... I don't feel social."
Ok. Go to sleep then. I'll just ask someone else to come. And while I'm at that, I should ask a couple more people to prom. Oh, and we're not gonna be at a party, we're going back to Bobby's apartment. I don't feel like being by myself with a couple.. but if that's the way you feel... I'll just invite some other boy to come.
"No, no. I'm not THAT tired... I'm sure I can find money if I really need it... it's not that far."
No. It's ok. Just forget it. You don't have to do anything for me.
"No, no! I want to come now."
Ok. Lindsay, here's the phone, give him directions.
So he drives up and stays with me for a while and I find myself very upset with him... even after he went the distance for me. He says he loves me and I say nothing. We leave Bobby's at five am. He drives me back to my car and we say goodnight properly. We kiss. I love him too.
I go home, sleep, and wake up to my brother, mother, father, screaming about ... something. If I wake up to screaming I have a headache for the whole rest of the day. Fuck you too.
Lindsay comes over. We talk about how messy my room is and other such things. Mostly about the past and how people now are coke-heads.
Stefan comes over and we finish watching Adult Swim together. I cut myself in front of him and he gets so freaked out that he cries. I'm sorry. I thought you wanted to know what it was like.
I laugh. You said you wanted to know.
"But you don't seem that upset at all."
Just don't scratch the surface.
He went home. Another kiss goodnight. I will probably see him tomorrow.
Oh, and MYA... you were invited to come to the party on Saturday... but you don't read Lindsay's journal... so I guess you didn't know.