alecto - your little bluejay (pollytrance) wrote,
alecto - your little bluejay

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I'll Always Miss You Now You're Gone

You know those songs that sound really happy but the lyrics are gut-wrenchingly sad? I have lots of those.

I talked to a lot of people today and have a full schedule tomorrow. I'm exhausted but I have given up on the idea of sleep. I have to get a wig for a job that I'm starting on Monday (so that my hair is black and well-managed, I'm going to be working under architects), I'm going to Nicole's, picking up my prom pictures, cleaning my rheum (this is really important, I have only three days), hair-dying, bank deposits, dinner with Mya and Concordian exploits, night-time rendezvous at Jessica's, time with Stefan, the list goes on and on.

I am so fucking depressed lately I could choke. I put on the happy face, I put on the jaded face... sometimes I'm even downright mean and hateful.

I'm disappearing in a world where people are chattering non-stop about what college they're going into, what they plan to do with their life, all the exciting things they have lined up for the summer.

I am only inclined to sleep and smoke. I want to smoke until I am dead, blowing it out of my window into the alley. I want to have dreams that I'm living in the old house. I want to pretend I am not scared to death of the nothingness that is waiting for me. I want to drink myself into a coma and curl myself into rocking chairs at parties.

I want red carpet and some kind of new addiction. I've stopped cutting and there are no meds for me.

Maybe I just want someone to hug me and smell my hair and not ask me what's wrong, just let me cry.

I want to have somewhere to go when I'm all dolled up like this. I want my friends to be night-owls with me. I want to stop falling asleep in strange places.

On a lighter note, I got my passport today, and I am going to Germany somewhere around the 7th of July, and we are going camping in France and walking around in Poland, the three of us. I'm sure I will remain quiet and blend into the background (as I'm getting really good at it... funny, when I used to be the center of attention).

Lindsay once told me that people who are 'wild like me' become quiet housewives. She says she's seen living proof, and that is a thought that scares me. I'm too young to be going into my quiet phase.

I'm having a fucking mid-life crisis at age 18. I'm so cynical I make myself sick.

I just hope to God that Disneyland never loses its magic for me. Losing that sort of sanctuary would probably kill me. Some of their employees were acting less than magical when I was there, and my faith is waning.

One of them called Alice from Alice In Wonderland a whore because of her overdone make-up on one of the rides.

"Look at her," she said. "She looks like a total whore. Pros-ti-tute."

I babble too fucking much.

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