We stayed up late last night with Tanja and her brother Sascha, and her brother's friend Alex watching DVD's. All in all, we watched Silence of the Lambs (can I get three cheers for that one!!), The Negotiator, American Pie II (How about we call it American badly-made, not-funny-at-all, mass-produced disgusting pathetic excuse for a film instead? Oh wait, that's too many big words for the kids who are fans of it), and Angel Eyes which I found disappointing, as the preview for it was totally misleading.
Then, during The Negotiator, I accidentally spilled beer on Tanja's floor, and Jessica looks up at me and says, "Good job, Katie!" even though it wasn't her beer. It sent me flying into thoughts of suicide, a temptation that is getting extremely hard to shake. I thought about how I would do it, what bathroom devices were available to permit it, etc. But then rationality got the better of me: it would be really unfair to Tanja and her family, not to mention my parents if I died over there. It would be a lot of fright and hassle for Tanja and her family, and my parents would only be able to get to me after I was all stiffened up and troubled with at least a day's worth of decay. They would need to see me right away, it would only be fair.
Aside from that, all was well, and I had a good cry, something I had been needing, a lot, apparently.
I still don't think anyone truly believes how much I truly loathe who I am and what I look like and have become, or how much I want to die, but they will, as the old saying goes, believe it when they see it. Perhaps I will remember more later and elaborate but for now I am exceedingly hollow and empty. We're going to the lake tonight and there are supposed to be fireworks, but that is all I know.