May 2nd, 2002


There's Too Much Blood In Them

It is too damn early to be up [having gone to bed at three am]. My mother woke me up at around seven because I forgot to get her shit out of my car. The bed's too hot, the house is too cold and the painters are going to be here in a half an hour, scraping, grinding, banging on the house. No sleep for me, I suppose, which sucks because I'm going to look like death warmed over [not that I mind] for my interview.

I should never have gone out last night. I should have had my Jamba Juice and fallen asleep at ten. But I went to dinner instead in Martinez because I love it there. Chinese food. They have a big inflatable dolphin on sale at Albertson's for $12.99 and I am so tempted to buy it. Just so I have another excuse to go hide away at my aunt's for the summer... although that wouldn't be wise because when I come back all the people I knew will either be back in classes or off at some college. Lately it feels like, if I have email and livejournal, I'm all set. There's absolutely no commitment to it at all. You don't have to see it every day if you don't want to. You don't have to be ripped from sleep by a repulsive ring. You don't have to spend an hour getting ready to interact with it cos you'll be in public. You don't have to make stupid excuses about how today is not really a good day for it [or tomorrow, or the next day, or for the next few years]. It's all on you. You can make snatches of personal appearance or remain invisible & you don't get a tan. *I could get used to this*

The distraction is wonderful crack. I don't NEED a life outside the house. It was proven, everything can be done online. Of course I'll need to work but I can have some job behind the scenes of things so I don't have to deal with anyone. Maybe today I am just grumpy & cranky and I only FEEL anti-social and it will go away. That's most likely it.

My brother came out of the bathroom as I was going down to my car this morning and he was wearing all blue, all Adidas. A shirt that was way too big, a blue cap, some ugly blue shoes and blue shorts with little air holes all over them like he's worth it. He said to me, "How you doing?"

I said to him, "Ugh, shut up!"

My mom came into the room, and he got a deer-in-headlights expression on his face and said, "All I said to her was 'how you doing?'!"

My mother started laughing. She compares me to our cat, and I can see why. Maggie is this rickety old thing who doesn't like to move too much or be moved. She only wants attention when she wants it, and when she doesn't she likes to hide in dresser drawers and the like so no one will bother her. And she pees all over the carpet in my brother's room because he has new carpet and she hates him. That's one thing we don't have in common but she gets props for that. Yes, indeed she does.

Adult contemporary clothing catalogues really bother me a lot. It's like the photographers put these hideous clothes on these would-be attractive women and say, "Ok, make the dumbest, most oddly-contorted face you can!! Don't show the camera love, show it your inner retardation!"


I'm feeling especially mean and bitter today. Tell the little ones not to get too close to the cage. It will probably pass with a nap.

Goodnight. I bet the bed has cooled off by now.


The Sweet Taste Of Triumph

The child they try to tell me is my brother (but thank god is not) was being a fucker, so I threw the cat on him. Naturally, the cat landed on him, claws fully extended, and now he is bleeding. You should have seen the pathetic expression on his face as he tried not to scream.

Ha. That will teach him. Then he called me a bitch and didn't get punished. Fuck's that? I should sew his mouth shut with glossy pink thread or push him out of a high-rise window.

What a fucker.

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