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Thursday, May 9th, 2002
1:47a - Carry On Smiling And The World Will Smile With You
I don't know if I have the guts to quit my job.

But I know that I really can't handle it right now. I guess the world really was bearing down on me harder than I thought. Tonight I freaked out. Twice. Once at around six-thirty and then again at one.

I have a shrink appointment in the morning and I hope she will fill out some form that I can present to my work that says I'm too mentally unbalanced to work there.

I'm thinking dark thoughts and harbouring violent impulses. I don't know why this is the way it is. I don't know anything anymore. I'm struggling with something I can't handle: myself.

I'm sorry that I've been so terrible and negligent these past few months. I passed it off as something entirely different than what it was. I'll cry my tears and probably be ok in a while. I just want to show you all smiles. I wish I could be strong for you. I wish it wasn't this way, I hate to make you worry. I want you to know how I really feel, but the words just won't come.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, and you, I downloaded your MP3, and it's nowhere near my recycle bin. I like it a lot.

5000


current mood: confused

(BUH)

4:05p - Forever 21
Happy birthday Dusty!!

I quit my job, it was no biggie at all, and I didn't even get my shrink's help. They're sending my check in the mail and I'm devoting the next week or so to laundry, rheum-cleaning and life-organising. I want to still be a part of my skool community a little bit so I am abreast of events. Just because I don't go to classes doesn't mean I can't do fun stuff.

Mine and Jessica's birthday is in 5 days. Hopefully we're getting tattoos, and that will be fun. Next week after I return from Disneyland, I'm going to apply at that telemarketing place (which isn't actually telemarketing, they don't sell stuff, they do surveys) and if I get that job it's only gonna be part time to start, and I won't be on my feet all day.

I just need to ask Lindsay where I can get the application from.

If I ever get a job in retail again, it will have to meet two requirements: 1) There is some sort of employee discount and 2) There's a place to sit down and serve people. Like those people that sit at a little booth and ask you to apply for store charge cards.

PS-- It wasn't my first job, either. It was my first full time job. For a month when I was a freshman I did slave labour for sixty cents an hour, 6-8 hours a day, 6 days a week. It wasn't too harsh though, because we got like hour breaks in-between and the girls I was working with were awesome people.

I was mopping, cleaning tables, washing dishes, cooking food, serving food, clearing dishes, setting tables, lifting heavy things, all in blocks of 2-3 hours. Then an hour break... then 2-3 more hours... then another hour break... then the final 2-3 hours. Every day except Sunday. So I'm not some little pampered bitch. I know what hard work is. But I don't know what fifteen minute breaks mean, unless you're joking.

Things are looking up.

5000


current mood: better

(8 comments |BUH)


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