August 7th, 2002


It Tastes Old

The counter on my journal says I've had 1999 hits. That makes me excited.

I went and saw Signs for a third time today and it was just as good as the first. I went with my mom and she stretched the hell out of my sweater clawing at me during the scary parts. Heh. I love that movie. If it was a person, I would be all up on its back.

I am still enamoured of the director. I know his name. I just can't spell it out or say it aloud. He'll know. He's on the cover of Newsweek. I am getting a copy tomorrow.

A bit after I got back, Jessica called me and wanted to know if me and Stefan wanted to go bowling with her and Chris.

I called Stefan who was a bit surprised to be hearing from me, and he agreed to go. So we met each other there at nine and bowled three games. I took a blue Sharpie and wrote "Would you fuck me?" on the back of Stefan's neck. He was Buffalo Bill for the evening. We all chose bowling names, too. I was Moby, Jessica was Eminem, Chris was Kelley and Stefan was Master Blaster.

I was wearing a sleeveless shirt that I really shouldn't have been wearing, due to the hideous nature of my upper arm flesh, but I didn't really think about it too much. I've found that the best way to take my mind off of such things is to pretend that I am a movie star and whatever I am doing is part of a movie shoot. No matter what, the audience will forgive me for what I look like, because they will think I had to look that way for the part.

Maybe that's crazy, but if it gives me enough self-esteem to wear clothing in which I won't overheat, it's enough for me.

At the bowling alley, they were selling Hillbilly Teeth in the 50 cent machine, so I got some. As we got out to the car, I put them in and started saying vulgar things and licking my lips and asking my company if I was sexy, all in a Southern accent. Stefan was writhing in sick fascination and disgust, and laughing so hard that he had to clutch his stomach.

We went to Denny's and I told the waiter, still wearing the teeth and using the Southern accent, that we needed a table for four. I ordered my food this way and spent half the night lisping and talking about Jesus with those things in. Jessica was laughing, Chris was wearing a shocked expression, and Stefan was snickering to himself.

That was all I needed. Once I have an audience I pretty much lose all control of my actions. I will do practically anything to get them to laugh.

So Chris orders a basket of fries, and along with the fries comes a plastic bottle of Heinz ketchup. After he finished the fries, Jessica says in a deep voice, "It places the ketchup in the basket."

So I plop the ketchup into the basket.

She giggles and says, "It rubs the ketchup on its skin, or else it gets the hose again." I don't think she actually meant what she was saying, but she certainly got what she wanted.

I took the ketchup, squeezed some into my hand, and proceeded to smear it all over my face. They all started laughing hysterically.

After it started to dry and get cakey, I made Jessica come with me to the bathroom (while all the Denny's staff stared at my face) and wash it off. As we entered the bathroom, I asked her, "Am I the only friend you have that would do that?"

She replied through laughter, "Yes." This was one of the most satisfying things I could ever hear.

After that, we paid for the check and I dropped Stefan off at home. Through the course of the night I got lucky at some claw machines and won a stuffed baseball with arms and a cute face, Felix the cat dressed up as Pocahontas, and Moe of the three stooges in a bathing costume.

Now I am home and am curious to see how many DVD's I have accumulated. I will use a cut tag to spare you.

sad small list, children of the lesser god....Collapse )

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