|Tuesday, October 8th, 2002|
12:06a - I'm Really Losing It
I was sitting at work today, making copies like always, and I noticed that my wrist was bleeding. My wrist was bleeding because there was a scab on it. There was a scab on it because Friday night when Stefan and I went to see Red Dragon, I used his slap bracelet like a saw and didn't realise until later that the friction was ripping my skin off.
Then I started thinking about how blunt things can really hurt you, so I started beating my fist on my forearm, just to see if I could really hurt myself. I did. I lost feeling and movement in my arm for like ten minutes.
In the interest of science, I decided to see how sharp my fingernails really were. They're rounded of course, and though they are long they are not sharp. So I started scraping them really fast back and forth across my arm, and nothing happened. It turned red, but nothing else.
So then, I decided to see if I could make the same amount of friction damage with my nails as with the slap bracelet. Long story short, there is now a four-inch chunk missing from my arm. I got my bloodshed, I suppose.
The thing was, I wasn't even depressed or anything. I just did it. Just to see if I could do it. And now I have to wear long sleeves to work.
I went out to dinner tonight with Stefan, and he got up to get some Pepsi. When he came back, he stood over me at the table. I looked up at him and thought, "I know him. Me and him went to high school together... what's his name? What's his bloody name? What if he says hi to me and I don't know his name?"
Then I remembered that it was Stefan, and that we were having dinner, and he had gotten up to get soda. It freaked me out, good. I had totally forgotten where I was, and who I was with, and what I was doing.
Why am I sitting by myself in a pizza restaurant drawing a nurse? And who is this boy that looks so familiar?
Perhaps it is the lack of sleep?
I was supposed to be in bed making up for it long ago, but now I am just fucked.
Everyone is on drugs and they are ghoulishly thin because of it. They will have fun Halloweens.
My arm hurts. Every time I move it I wonder why the fuck I did what I did. I had to stop a few times because people walked by, and it could have ended there, but for some reason I had to keep going. Something is wrong in my head.
My cousin Mary sent me some mail today:
"Katie, every time I see the PowerPuff Girls I think of you... so I though I would pick this up. Hope you like it. Love, Cousin Mary. P.S. I hope everything is going well."
She knows. It was a PowerPuff Girls change-purse. It almost made me cry when I opened it. Why does my family like me so much? I am a horrible person, and I never see them. Last time I saw Mary was in like 1996, before I even liked the PowerPuff Girls.
They all see each other but I never leave my rheum. I went all over town looking for a blue light bulb, but I couldn't find one. I had to settle for a black-light bulb. Everything now is a cheap reproduction.
I joked with Stefan about going back into the hospital after Halloween to take a rest, but now I'm thinking that I might actually need it.
My cousin has really nice handwriting, like a kindergarten teacher. I saw this girl named Amanda who I used to know tonight. She asked me if I was going to college. When I told her no, she said, "Yeah! Fuck school."
I am fooling myself. My writing ability is lost. Gone forever. I keep having all these fantasies that I shouldn't be having. I keep seeing all of these people who I used to know and it makes me feel weird.
Me and Stefan are supposed to move in together next year. I keep having all these dreams about how great it will be. Not because I'm moving in with Stefan, but just being independent with someone I actually like and who wouldn't double-cross me. I think he would be impossible to have a yelling match with.
I have some letters to write.
I'm so sorry.
current mood: gloomy
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