alecto - your little bluejay (pollytrance) wrote,
alecto - your little bluejay

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SH10151: You Better Be Sure Before You Leave Me For Another One

You can hurt me. I can hurt you.

Goddamn, how much do I love Hooverphonic? Too much to talk about.

So it's almost 6 am, and I'm getting mighty antsy. I'm waiting for something, and I'm wondering if it's right that I'm waiting, specifically because I should have learned a lesson in waiting years ago from my mother. I sat and watched as the exact same thing happened, only it was then, and I thought it was funny.

It's not so funny now. We all know what happened to me when I turned 9.

You know what I don't get? Everyone talks about how boys hound women and shower them with whatever they want, even if they're only semi-attractive, just to get in their pants. They say males are the ones who are obnoxious, and that you have to beat away with sticks.

So how come every girl I know [ok, not every girl, but a whole fucking lot of them] sees a boy that she finds even mildly attractive, and then proceeds to act like a total dog and drool all over him? Weeks later, she realises that he's an idiot, he doesn't know how to use a telephone, he demands you suck his cock but won't go down on you, he has no money, he hates his father, he smokes weed all day long, and won't ditch his friends to hang with you, but expects you to ditch the world to give him a goddamn foot massage, he flirts with all of your girlfriends, he drives a shitty white truck that somehow turned brown, all of his friends are low-life retard stoners, he's a total mama's boy, and etc etc. Ok, so maybe these specifics of a guy only apply to one situation that has to do with a friend of mine, but it's becoming this horribly prevalent pattern for her.

"But he's good-looking," They say, and you can tell that they're wondering if he really is that cute. I hate it. I hate how girls fucking chase boys all over the place. And boys just sit back and fucking bask in all of the attention.

What happened to all the sweet Southern boys who know that you're not supposed to act like animals around one another? You're supposed to play the I-can't-make-eye-contact-I'll-blush-too-much game. You're supposed to be all awkward and get butterflies when one of you takes the other's hand at the movies.

Am I crazy, or does anyone else miss that? I miss that. Court-ship is obscenely under-rated.

I have a bunch of questions in my head that I would desperately like the answers to, but find myself too frightened to ask. In actuality, it's not because I'm too afraid to hear the answers. It's because I know *almost* beyond a shadow of a doubt what the answers are, and hearing it from the horses' mouths would just push me over the edge.

There are also several confessions I'd like to make, but the consequences terrify me.

So I'll just do it the half-assed way.

*I am guilty of the same things that I hate about my girlfriends. But if I wasn't, it wouldn't bother me, nor would I recognise it. I see a boy who I find physically attractive, and I find some way to know him. Unfortunately, I say and do such retarded things in the presence of members of the opposite sex that no one in their right mind would view it as flirting. Sadly, I know what I'm attempting to do, and therefore I still feel like a bastard.

*I like previews for movies better than actual movies. They're more exciting.

*I've never felt good enough.

*I also feel like no one ever listens to me, which is really funny because it's true. And I bet I'll get one or two comments that say people are listening, but when I talk about the world, and everyone in it, I rarely include my fellow livejournalers in these statements.

*I'm afraid to be a lesbian, because I have long nails, and any girlfriend I'd ever have would also have long nails, and I'm afraid we'd terribly damage each others' nether regions. Oddly enough, my first sexual experience was with a girl.

*I told someone I wanted to marry him, and he didn't get scared. He smiled and called me sweet. He said we'd have a lot of fun together.

*I have a new crush every few days. Currently, it's someone safe. Someone untouchable who can't hurt me because I'll never be with him. Currently, it's Eminem. Why I love him so, I cannot tell you. I don't like a lot of the things he represents.

*I don't believe in bi-sexuality. I know there's gonna be some flame-war started in my journal about this, but I really don't believe at all. I believe that people can fuck everyone, regardless of gender. I believe that love knows no gender. However, I do believe that there are patterns and preferences. You're either gay or you're straight, in the end. I'm 'straight'. Does this mean I don't fantasize about women? No. Does this mean I haven't fucked around with a girl [more than once]? No. There is a preference, even if it's so minute that the conscious mind can't recognise it. Have I fallen in love with someone female? Yes. Completely in love. And had my heart broken. I've also been in love with boys. They've also broken my heart. All that nonsense said, I think I'll become asexual, and reproduce by spores. I'm sick of having my heart broken. Anyway, I do believe there's a preference. And I think anyone who comes out of the woodwork [specifically teenaged girls who classify themselves with the 'different' crowd] screaming with pride about their bi-sexuality: well, they're just being selfish. All bi-sexuality really means is that you'll get more ass, and in a wider variety. Unless of course you're one of those rare bi-sexual abstinence activists, who only falls in love with both sexes, and does nothing with them physically EVER. And anyone who disagrees with me, save the yelling and the swearing. This is my journal, and I'm filling it with my thoughts. If you don't like them, you don't have to read. At least I'm not talking about THE WAR like everyone else.

*I sometimes smile at people because I'm wondering if they've ever thought about fucking me. But I smile a lot, and it means a lot of different things. I think that's one of the more prominent questions that lingers in my mind after meeting someone for a first time.

*These confessions are becoming a bit of TMI, and I'm thinking I might do better putting them behind a cut, but I won't.

*You'd be surprised who I've thought about in the bedroom romp sense. More than likely, if I've met you, I've thought about what it would be like to be 'with' you. I'm not sure if that's revolting or exciting. More than likely revolting, because most of my friends are frighteningly straight girls who would freak out if they knew about the past I've hidden from them. (Sadly, the thing about imagining bedroom romps is almost completely restricted to the males I've met. Very few girls I see on a regular basis knock me off my feet in that sense)

*I'm pretending that the war isn't going on. I don't watch the news, only cartoons. I'd like to be supportive, as I have several 'soldiers' in my family, but until it's right in my face and there are terrorists breaking down my doors, I am going to pretend it's not there. I am young, and I'm going to try to enjoy my youth before the whole world goes to hell. Why lock yourself indoors or spend all of your time protesting when you could be out rolling in a beautiful grassy field that might not exist is 6 weeks? If I wasn't so fucking poor, I'd spend the next week in Disneyland, pushing all of it further away from my mind. This is a very immature response, and I'm sure people will say things like, 'Way to support your country, ignoring the men dying for you!' Well, there is no draft, currently. The minute they signed up to be in any part of the military, they chose to die. The military wouldn't need to exist if there weren't power struggles. Only idiots join the forces under the false pretense that they're not just big man's pawns.

*I'm probably pissing everyone off, so I'm going to stop while I'm ahead. But then, I've never been ahead. I've always been a day late and a dollar short. And I'm feeling it now. Feeling it like fire.

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