alecto - your little bluejay (pollytrance) wrote,
alecto - your little bluejay

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Mya Papaya

I talked to several people last night on the telephone. Travis didn't call me back as he said he would. If he's so obsessed with his friends why doesn't he just forget about ME forever, not just for a night, and see how happy he is with just them and never a call from me wondering how he's doing and if I can help make it better. Then he calls me at seven this morning and leaves a message saying, "Call me back as soon as possible!" So at 12.30 (afternoon) I have just risen and gotten the message, and already feel guilty for the ringer being off, and so I call him and I'm like, "Hey I just got your message, are you ok?" and he says, "Can I call you back?"

RRRRRR! False urgency busts my buttons. If I were wearing my corset it would have exploded I was so mad! But then my mom knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted some pasta.. and that she would make it, which was good. I like pasta, but I don't like making it. Which brings me to another point... I guess pasta is now the sexy food. I got a message this morning from my friend Alex that said, "Hey Phoebe, were you serious about me coming over and making pasta? Sexy pasta. Pasta is so sexy." And it made me laugh. There is nothing better than having someone who you can laugh with. Which is probably why Travis and I have such problems. We never laugh.

Katie called me last night and we talked about all the things we plan to do, and I've already dubbed this the summer of love, and that's what I intend to make of it. Yes.

I also talked to Mya and she finally convinced her parents to let her start driving and stuff like that so it will be very good. Soon we will both be 18 and things will be easy.

I also talked to Josh, and we're gonna start house-hunting. Not an apartment, a house. Doug is gonna be the third-party on the lease and as long as it's the three of us, we can swing house payments... but I told him I can't move in until mid-August if they're gonna do anything sooner. He said fine they'll rent my room out nightly or something until I can get in, but that's kinda depressing because it means that my room will be all used and smelly and also that I'm going to actually have to get a job this summer, AND a car, AND I'm going to have to find a house below 120,000 which will probably be ok especially in this part of Vallejo. And I'm sure my mother could help me out to start. I'm going to have to start saving and sacrificing, which aren't natural me tendencies.

On another note, I'm supposed to go to Grass Valley this weekend with Josh and Lindsay the movie star. That should be a lot of fun, and i am definitely bringing my video camera and some other fun stuff.

Last night I also talked to Alex, and I felt bad because I couldn't really concentrate or keep a conversation going because I was so distressed by my ghosts. Josh told me that I have a definite boy pattern and he is right. I hate to admit it but he is always right about that kind of thing. He and Lindsay the movie star tell me that I follow the pattern of falling in love with boys who are pre-occupied with other things. Maybe that means I don't like responsibility. Bah. It's one big mess. This will be the summer of love, so I'm not too worried about boys at the moment. I'm worried about the fact that my happiness and my jubilance that I thought wouldn't end is slipping away. I need to party again. If I don't soon I will perish. That is my cult. That is my addiction. That is the thing I am so willing to drink the poison kool-aid for.

I don't want it to end... and from everyone that's all I hear. The culture is ending. Right when I jump on, it's dying off. Promoters are being arrested. I don't want it to end. I want to go to Michael's. I want a hospital bracelet. I need to clean my room again. I need to get a hold of Jamie so that my little black unnamed cat can finally live here and I can stop treating the litter box like it's a zen garden and raking it obsessively.

Is anything worth living for also worth dying for? Does that even make sense? I'm very vexed and stressed out at the moment. I feel like crying and I see all these people willing to die for their cause but still I wonder if I even have a cause. If I don't get Chinese food tonight I'm gonna die. This will be the third week without.

I hate having OCD. I'm going to go play with my super nintendo. "Can you handle it, hog?" Hog is slang for a cool person. Replicants were the creation of the evil Dr. Zen.

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