When I lick my shotglass, I pretend I am licking you. I'm sassy like that. I used to think big tall Amazon women were cool, and now I know that they are LAME. Puny is cool. Amazons need to just get it over with and cut off BOTH TITS, be betrayed to the Romans as men, and then get knocked down a peg and ridiculed for not having big dicks.
I do not like these words:
ahoy, crisp, masturbate, picnic, fresh, sandwich, beatnik, convenient, fart, hummus, zany, sofa, crotch, asks, genial, pail, pussy, 'gams', 'delish', 'sesh', 'do' (as in, short for hairdo), product, and many more.
I like these words:
obsessional, rules, dick, sassy, glam, hella, sin, sunshine, ebb, twilight, luna, ozone, cleanse, mawma, veins, buddhist, awful, shatter, nitrous, amnesia, pustule, ever, garden, creature, children, herbivorous, statistic and many more.
The other day, I couldn't figure out how to say 'resolve'. I spent a few moments spluttering, 'It will res... resolate... res.. resolution, resolute...res...' at which point my mother interjected 'resolve?'
I leaned back on the couch and said, "Oh Jesus. My vocabulary has finally become so confusing and expansive that I am having difficulty conjugating things, and I am not even foreign."
Her response to that was, "Blah, blah, blah... you sound like a science book! 'Conjugate', blah bleh!!"
Looking back after that interaction, I don't find it surprising that when I was trying to speak German I would randomly interject Spanish words just because they sounded right in the sense that they were not English. I got A's in both classes and now language is just confusing and I think I prefer broken English. I am good at it. I have also realised that I bite my bottom lip a lot and that is dismaying. I have a severely chapped lip because of it.
I called my mom this morning and let her have it. I was hysterical until eleven, and around noon I passed out with exhaustion. My eyes burned like hellfire... and around 5 pm she started calling me until, exasperated at 6 pm, I answered my phone and the conversation went like this:
"I don't want to talk right now, I am tired."
"I'm sorry..." she said, "I just wanted to hear your voice..."
"Ok, bye." I said. Click.
I am still angry with them, and I know how I felt and how I was shaking with fury and crying like no one's business. I read what I wrote later and felt bad. For as much as I get frustrated with my so-called family, I still feel guilty because occasionally, they share emotion with me, positive emotion (likely because of my absence and excessive weight loss-- I dropped a dress size since I have been back from Jersey) but it makes me feel so guilty. On another hand, I feel like they are just playing with me... I don't know what to think. Anyway, in my hysteria, I called her and let her know, no-holds-barred how everything was in my head about them for a few minutes and she was silent the way I wished she would always be instead of preachy. She finally, for a second, got it. It was what I needed. She finally shut the fuck up for a second, and instead of trying to tell me what I thought, she let me say what it actually was. Instead of trying to tell me what I was doing wrong and offering some bullshit solution like medication to solve such an 'easy and little' thing, she just sat and let me talk. She was so... affected by the intensity of my raspy cries that she was finally fucking receptive and that means the world. It is my new resolution to speak to her about important matters in this sense so she will just chill out and stop trying to be maternal and just be my friend. Only after she is my friend can I actually allow her to try and be motherly, and/or take what she says to heart as something other than complete bollocks. Once she regards me as an equal, rather than a child, I am sure we can communicate.
I have seen how she speaks to her friends, and occasionally I have gotten the privilege of being spoken to and regarded in the same way as them-- and I want that always. She never preaches to her depressed friends about medication or other such shit, she just listens and is sympathetic, occasionally worrisome and suggests certain solutions, but ends the suggestion with, 'but you know, whatever you think is right'. Once I can get that from her, truly, things will start to straighten out. I am determined. I don't want to be one of those headcases who will forever have issues with their parents. I want to be who I am, and I want them to be who they are, and I am certain that in some space and time, there can be a harmonious symbiosis between us.
They stopped beating the shit out of me when they realised that I was no longer afraid to fight back, and if physical violence is an intensity, I believe that the road to open and positive communication cannot be that far off. It may take something dire, such as the way me getting taller and smarter and less afraid to tell people about what they did to me did, but I don't care. I am prepared for dire. I do not want to see them die and be at the funeral with thoughts of resentment and vice versa.
I know that they see me as a force and they pick their battles, and with this, comes hope. If they can see me as strong and resilient physically, and they regard me as 'intelligent' mentally, there will be a resolution of sorts. I just must prove to them I am strong there as well. It will happen.
How many people do you know that call you and leave you messages that begin with, "Hi, it's me" or "Hey, it's me" and you know who they are? Within the past couple of weeks, 5 people have left such messages devoid of name, and I know who they all are. It's weird though, a friend of mine left a message tonight and said, "Hey, it's me... woah... I just did the 'it's me'..."
I knew who it was, I just thought it funny that something such as 'it's me' would be something to give anyone pause. Perhaps it is just the fact that most of the time people remain so impersonal that you must leave a name, but let's be honest. After a while, anyone can say that and you would know who they were just due to the frequency of speaking. Anyway, I thought that was funny.
I'm wearing a side-ponytail like I am from the 80's. So scene. I got kicked out of Popscene twice in one night for being drunk. That was funny. I like to pretend that this is Europe, and make NO MISTAKE:
My LIFE is a party.
The things you say... you're unbelievable!!