alecto - your little bluejay (pollytrance) wrote,
alecto - your little bluejay
pollytrance

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Fat Lil' Notebook

I am allowed to cry. I thought things would be different. I thought I would be out tonight. I wish there were someone I could call to come pick me up and take me away from all this, or just to come here.

I can't call Katie... we would just talk about our ex-boyfriends and I would get even sadder because the whole reason I am sad is because I spent my first Friday ("our day") alone in two years.

I can't call Josh-- he's gone to Seattle.

I can't call Lindsay-- she wouldn't understand.

I can't call Mya-- she's at camp.

I can't call Stefan-- Christelle is in town.

I'm allowed to be upset. I'm allowed to weeks two get over this. I'm allowed because something I thought could last forever is now gone forever.

I stopped cutting. I stopped smoking. I have nothing.

I can take my medication but I don't want to live in a bubble. I need to survive. I need the hurt to go away. I need to cry. I need to cut it all out. I need to stop shaking.

And there's nothing I can do except wait.

Life was better when I ate 300 calories a day and was 14, and I was so small that two caffeine pills made me shake and made my breathing short and fast.

Last night I had a long talk about my ghosts with Josh. My face is gonna be so fucked-up by the time I am thirty because my life is so haunted. All of this shit, man. The universe has definitely stopped turning in my favour.

I'm wondering why I don't do drugs. I think I deserve to be a little out of it every once in a while. There is no ice to cure this kind of pain.

Katie was right. If a boy kisses you right after you've come out of a relationship, it is hard to tell him no, because you want someone.

I remember when he was never the problem, but he was someone to kiss when problems were there.

I can't believe I didn't kiss him at midnight on New Year's Eve.

It was all on me. I fucked up. It's my fault. I am too difficult and neurotic and just generally fucked up for anyone to love.

I really hate myself right now.

I want this feeling to go away.

I was so strong about this last night.

I want a hug.

5000
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 12 comments