alecto - your little bluejay (pollytrance) wrote,
alecto - your little bluejay

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Fat Lil' Notebook

I am allowed to cry. I thought things would be different. I thought I would be out tonight. I wish there were someone I could call to come pick me up and take me away from all this, or just to come here.

I can't call Katie... we would just talk about our ex-boyfriends and I would get even sadder because the whole reason I am sad is because I spent my first Friday ("our day") alone in two years.

I can't call Josh-- he's gone to Seattle.

I can't call Lindsay-- she wouldn't understand.

I can't call Mya-- she's at camp.

I can't call Stefan-- Christelle is in town.

I'm allowed to be upset. I'm allowed to weeks two get over this. I'm allowed because something I thought could last forever is now gone forever.

I stopped cutting. I stopped smoking. I have nothing.

I can take my medication but I don't want to live in a bubble. I need to survive. I need the hurt to go away. I need to cry. I need to cut it all out. I need to stop shaking.

And there's nothing I can do except wait.

Life was better when I ate 300 calories a day and was 14, and I was so small that two caffeine pills made me shake and made my breathing short and fast.

Last night I had a long talk about my ghosts with Josh. My face is gonna be so fucked-up by the time I am thirty because my life is so haunted. All of this shit, man. The universe has definitely stopped turning in my favour.

I'm wondering why I don't do drugs. I think I deserve to be a little out of it every once in a while. There is no ice to cure this kind of pain.

Katie was right. If a boy kisses you right after you've come out of a relationship, it is hard to tell him no, because you want someone.

I remember when he was never the problem, but he was someone to kiss when problems were there.

I can't believe I didn't kiss him at midnight on New Year's Eve.

It was all on me. I fucked up. It's my fault. I am too difficult and neurotic and just generally fucked up for anyone to love.

I really hate myself right now.

I want this feeling to go away.

I was so strong about this last night.

I want a hug.

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