I can't call Katie... we would just talk about our ex-boyfriends and I would get even sadder because the whole reason I am sad is because I spent my first Friday ("our day") alone in two years.
I can't call Josh-- he's gone to Seattle.
I can't call Lindsay-- she wouldn't understand.
I can't call Mya-- she's at camp.
I can't call Stefan-- Christelle is in town.
I'm allowed to be upset. I'm allowed to weeks two get over this. I'm allowed because something I thought could last forever is now gone forever.
I stopped cutting. I stopped smoking. I have nothing.
I can take my medication but I don't want to live in a bubble. I need to survive. I need the hurt to go away. I need to cry. I need to cut it all out. I need to stop shaking.
And there's nothing I can do except wait.
Life was better when I ate 300 calories a day and was 14, and I was so small that two caffeine pills made me shake and made my breathing short and fast.
Last night I had a long talk about my ghosts with Josh. My face is gonna be so fucked-up by the time I am thirty because my life is so haunted. All of this shit, man. The universe has definitely stopped turning in my favour.
I'm wondering why I don't do drugs. I think I deserve to be a little out of it every once in a while. There is no ice to cure this kind of pain.
Katie was right. If a boy kisses you right after you've come out of a relationship, it is hard to tell him no, because you want someone.
I remember when he was never the problem, but he was someone to kiss when problems were there.
I can't believe I didn't kiss him at midnight on New Year's Eve.
It was all on me. I fucked up. It's my fault. I am too difficult and neurotic and just generally fucked up for anyone to love.
I really hate myself right now.
I want this feeling to go away.
I was so strong about this last night.
I want a hug.