alecto - your little bluejay (pollytrance) wrote,
alecto - your little bluejay

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Unlike REM I Am Losing My Identity, Not My Religion...

I really and truly don't understand what is happening to me. I can't differentiate between dream and reality. I make promises to myself all the time but break them at every turn. Tell myself that everyday I miss of school is another foot of the grave I am digging.

At this rate I won't graduate. Fuck. Why did I even bother hanging in this long. Do I fuck myself now by dropping out or do I fuck myself the slow way by fighting tooth and nail to finish this shit we call high school to become... nothing.

I had a dream that Stefan told me he loved me again. This time it wasn't positive... it was a dream that Travis came back and I slept with him just because I know I still turn him on and he still thinks about me. After I slept with him I went and saw Stefan and he told me he loved me but he couldn't believe that I slept with Travis. I tried to tell him I loved him too, because I do, but he wouldn't hear it. He asked me how I could possibly love him but then go and whore all over every guy that I've been whoring over. And I thought he had a good point. When I woke up, the phone was ringing. I didn't get to it in time. It was Vince, and he didn't leave a message. He never does. That's why I never call him. It irks me beyond all belief when people don't leave a message. If I didn't want to talk to them, why would I bother having an answering machine? I know I'm gone a lot... that's what it's there for. Maybe I'm just a crazy bitch.

After Vince's number had cleared, I checked my Caller ID and it said I had two new calls. One was Stefan's number at 11 this morning. I checked and double-checked the date on it. It really was from this morning. And when I checked my messages, there was a message from him, although I can't imagine how I slept through it. I guess my meds must have been working in full force. It was to tell me that he was going to be gone mountain biking basically until Zim started, and so if I called and he wasn't home not to be scared because he definitely wanted to hang out.

But I can't drive over there because my mom took away my car privileges (which means there is no time for him to pick me up, so I REALLY can't go... but I'm not sure it's wise for me to be separating myself from him as much as I have been doing) because I didn't go to skool today, and I know it sounds like bullshit, but it's her fault I didn't go today. She woke me up and the second sentence that dripped from her cruel lips was one to make me feel belittled and incompetent. So I decided I would break my promise to her to go to skool out of spite for making me feel bad. Yes, it was my decision, but if she hadn't provoked me I wouldn't have gone that direction. So it IS her fault. But I still get my car privileges taken away (fuck's that?). She brought this to my attention when I told her I wasn't going to skool today and I responded, "I don't care. Someone as incompetent as me shouldn't even be allowed on the road anyway. Close my door. I'm not interested in talking to you anymore." I really do care and I know it is going to kill me later tonight but that bitch needs to stop thinking she has so much store in my life. I will be 18 soon and then I will be gone. Goodbye. See you never.

Meanwhile, I am helpless... thoughts and dreams of Stefan consume my life. I don't go anywhere or do anything without thinking about him. I would like to think it is love but I am not sure love can exist unless it is reciprocated.

It looks like a blue Tiburon on my TV. I can't get a class ring. Everyone else has one already to cherish-- how they got their hands on order forms as sophomores still eludes me -- of course, I was never at skool.

I think I have a fever. Either that or it is a hot day. I can't tell the difference. All I ever want to do is sleep anymore. I am so goddamn boring. It's not a wonder Stefan doesn't like me. I fear that I am like Molly, only far less creative and interesting, and younger by seven years.

So I guess it's ixnay on getting Bryan's schedule and casually dropping in on his work whenever he is there. Like I am attractive enough to catch his attention, but he DID flirt with me before... too bad Travis was there.

I wanted to push him away and say, "Can't you see I'm trying to MACK??" He had come up behind me and kissed me on the cheek and said, "Hi sweetie." Right as Bryan had asked me to come behind the counter to pick the colour of string I wanted on the balloon. I'm glad he still works there. He's fine. And as long as Stefan thinks I am a bore, why not flirt with the god of produce?

Bah. Hotel Motel Holiday Inn, If your man starts acting up switch and take his friend.


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