alecto - your little bluejay (pollytrance) wrote,
alecto - your little bluejay

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I Keep This Focus In My Knees

This girl I used to be friends with [who is no longer my friend because she has an evil boyfriend and because high skool has gotten the better of us, I guess] just got in a car accident last night and broke her back and both of her legs.

Part of me feels terrible because when we used to fight I always used to say that she was a whore and I wish she would die.

Part of me, however, feels like it is justified and deserved.

But she probably won't ever be able to walk again. And the fact that she was in a car accident seems to fit because she always used to rub it in my face that she totally cheated to get her license and she got it way before me, and that I wasn't ever trying hard enough.

Basically, she made me feel like I would never be good enough, and she used me to feel better about herself.

I feel like a disgusting individual because there is a part of me that was glad [if even for an instant] that this happened to her. Because her insane ambitions used to make me feel terrible.

This fucking sucks. She was driving her boyfriend's car. I have a picture of me and her in a frame in my room.

What if she can never have fun again?

What if now she will know what it's like to be the way we've only wondered about, confined to a wheel chair?

What if she doesn't graduate?

We forget in our youth that we are not invincible.

It is scary, and it is hard.

You'd think I wouldn't cry about something like this. I never actually thought about what it would really be like to lose someone.


What if she dies?

And I don't even know a way to get in touch with her, or what hospital she is at.

An ugly little voice in the back of my head says she never came to visit me when I was in the hospital.

But that doesn't matter.

This is horrible.

I don't know why I am like this. I shouldn't be crying. Or should I?

Are we just friends on pause? Will we ever be able to push play?

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