alecto - your little bluejay (pollytrance) wrote,
alecto - your little bluejay

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It seems as though it is late on a Friday night and everybody except Griffith has forgotten about me, and I was terribly rude to him when he called. Maybe it's because I was in a sour mood, maybe it's because I was feeling guilty.

Ah yes, I do feel extremely guilty about what I have done. I lied. I kept lying. Then I chose a bloody fantastic time to tell the truth. In some people's minds the things I have been saying wouldn't count as a lie. It was just a case of someone didn't ask and someone didn't tell. Of course, it feels like a lie to me, and it must feel the same way to the person who I betrayed. They can never possibly know how sorry I feel for lying. I lied for an entire month before coming clean. Ignoring all of my other sins, I would feel it was justified that I was sent to Hell for this one. That's how bad I feel. But I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. That's all I know how to do lately is fuck myself over.

I just wish I could say sorry in such a way that the person who I betrayed could understand it and know I meant it from the bottom of my guilty heart. And here I am being stupid and selfish and wanting more than anything his understanding and hoping he doesn't hate me. I'm stupid. I don't deserve him.

And yet I want to. I've wanted to for so long.

All this and nothing.
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