I shouldn't drive when I am excited, because I'm going to get pulled over for it. I drive like I am wasted out of my mind when I am excited. Sometimes, even when I am not excited, I forget what side of the street to drive on. True story. I also sometimes forget which is the throttle and which is the brake, if you know what I mean.
I am braking up with you.
Today this man came into my job to get his health food because he was 'doing a wedding'. Apparently, we are Christianity central. There is this man that always comes in when I am working and gives me big fake silver coins with scripture on them. He is a nice man but it is a little disconcerting. I forgot my glasses today. The man with the coins and the man doing the wedding are not the same person, but they were both there today.
The wedding man gave me his credit card and I almost passed out when I read the name on it. It was the name of a mortician that I was in love with when I was 12. I of course could not control myself and got to asking questions immediately.
"Did you used to be a mortician?"
"I still am," he said. "How did you know?"
"You had a booth at a career day when I was in middle school."
Oh, you should have seen the terrified look on his face, it was wonderful.
"Um... I... when was that?"
"I... wow. I am officially OLD. I'm sorry... I have no idea who you are."
"That's ok," I said, and smiled REAL big.
I love how I remembered this man's name even though I haven't seen him in 12 years. He's still hot, which is a shame because he is married now.
The most fun part about this is that Pinz and I looked him up in the phone book after career day and kept calling the number and hanging up to see if a woman would answer so that we could determine what his availability was.
First thing I did when I got home, naturally, was call Pinz to tell her who I encountered.
When I told her his name, she responded, "Who?"
"That mortician from middle school."
"The one we were in love with and called his house all the time to see if a girl would pick up."
"Wha-- OH YEAH!!! I totally forgot about that guy! We called him?"
"Yeah. Called and hung up on three-way for like two weeks."
"I love your memory. You always remind me of how awesome my life was and all of the awesome, insane shit that I did. This guy tried to hit on me at work, so I told him that me and my son were in Arcata on the run from my abusive husband."
"Great, Pinz, then he's going to be around more, all wanting to protect you and fight for your honour."
"Nuh-uh! When I told him that, he walked away. Like, he doesn't want to deal with my psycho ex that will kill him, or my kid. Baby MAMA. As soon as he was gone, I was like, 'Heh, heh, I just lied to you and you believed it!!' I lie all
the time! I get so satisfied, too, when people believe me and I can't believe how awesome I am!!"
You see, this is why I love her.
Her dad hella loves me and thinks I am a good kid, but her step-mom thinks I am the anti-christ and has forbidden Pinz from ever inviting me back to the house because I poured some Sprite on the pavement and then laughed about it. She made me get a bucket and a pushbroom and scrub it out even though it was outside. She is crazy
. Therefore, Pinz and I make fun of her.
Also, I peed on her stepmom's couch and we blamed it on the dog because we knew the dog wouldn't get in trouble for it. She also yelled at us because we were pretending to be Julia Child past ten pm-- at age seventeen. What.
I usually get really suicidal in the springtime and I have had a couple of episodes, but at present I am ecstatic.
Pee on couches and stalk morticians MOAR.
Oh yeah, and fuck a load of Russia right now because I realised I have something more important to save for. It is called getting my name legally changed. My last name is going to be Yood and it's going to RULE.
You want to know what kind of name Yood is? It's AMERICAN
I have not slept for 24 hours.
My hair is the colour of feces.
brb, doin' it with alvin yood.